I Watched Myself Die
Finally letting go was the only way forward
I watched myself die and it was beautiful.
It happened about 6 years ago now and it haunts me still, in the best of ways.
I was enrolled in an online transformational coaching program as a participant. The first time going through it was incredibly powerful and so I enrolled again when the next cohort opened.
One of the more challenging things for me while doing this work were the visualization exercises. When I think of visualizations, it is having a clear picture in one’s mind. That is just not how I work. I am a feeler. A deep feeler. Feeling is my version of visualization. Knowing this, made one night especially powerful.
It was a day when we had a session with what was always a powerful sharing session. I went to bed feeling a burden had lifted, something had finally released that I had been holding on to. I don’t know exactly what it was, but I still remember the feeling of it.
That was the night I died.
Not physically. Not in this world. But in my dreams.
I was in three perspectives at once.
I was watching a scene unfold, as though watching a movie.
I was sitting in a small boat on a beautiful lake not far from the dock.
I was standing on the dock watching myself in the boat.
My boat was sinking. I tried so hard to shovel the water out, to stop the leak that I couldn’t find, but to no avail. I could not swim and as I sank into the water, I called out for help between gasps of air and choking on water. I was drowning.
From the dock, I dove down onto my chest reaching into the water and pulled myself out. I gave myself CPR. I was resuscitated, but just barely. My time had come.
From a distance I watched as I rescued myself, sitting there on my knees, holding and comforting my dying self.
I whispered in my ear, “It’s okay. You can let go now. I’ve got you.”
And then I died.
And I also lived, fully.
I had rested in peace. I arose in peace. The previous iteration of me who was so frantically still trying to survive was finally able to rest, and I was there to hold him in support, in awe, and in appreciation. He didn’t need to hold on anymore, because I was already safe and held.
And that my beloved, is beautiful.
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